Deuteronomy 4:29 "But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul."
Hard as I try, each day, each time, crying out to You, my God, to cleanse all of me away, not to let my flesh overtake my thoughts; still they find a way to sometimes prevail. I seek to do Your will each day, I do not want my will but Yours and I believe in this I am gaining strength. When my mind and thoughts begin to make plans, have ideas of what I should do, I am recognizing this and rebuke it in the Name of Jesus, Your Son. I have conditioned my mind to wait, to wait for Your will for me. I know, Lord, I have more work to do there also, but You are giving me grace to do so.
I seek Your presence, my Lord. From the time I wake in the morning until I rest at night, Your presence, Your thoughts, Your will for me, I seek. I do not want to find my way alone, I want to walk with You, along the path You have made for me. This is so difficult to write as I know so often I fail, even though I want Your will more than life, Your presence more than breath, but this fleshy body I live in, my mind can wonder and cause me to grieve. I believe that is the only cause of grief to me now is when I fail to be the child You want me to be. Yes, Lord, I am listening for Your voice now. Yes, I know You love me. I am not grieving You? Only me? But sometimes Lord, I don't find You when I seek You. Yes, You are still there.....Yes, I hear You.....I must hunger for You more than anything, more than anything in me. I must lose what there is left in me of selfish desires for man's approval, thoughts of who I am in this world; only be concerned with who I am in You. Yes, Lord. I try Lord, but sometimes these thoughts still come, and I fight pride so hard. I was raised to be proud of accomplishments, of who I was, of achievements. It is hard, but I am trying to rid myself of me, trying so hard. Yes, Lord, I know I am so special to You, Your beloved child; I know You give me favor on earth, and so many blessings, I lose count. So much, so undeserved, especially when I find myself still so full of me.
Holy Spirit, I need You so much. Please help me to change, to get rid of all the things that I have been accustomed to thinking, to the way I was raised to think of myself, give me humility, give me a servant's heart, a true servant's heart, seeking to serve my Lord alone, not for myself, but to glorify Him alone. I want to be emptied of all of me so I can be filled with all of You my Lord. All You and no me. I want to walk with You. With You. Deservingly, appreciating Your beauty, Your thoughts, with no thoughts of self, just thoughts of You. Of Your Majesty, of Your Wondrous Majesty. I only want to find You in me, Lord. When I think, I want Your thoughts to come to my mind. When I look at something or at someone, I want to see them with Your eyes. When I love, I want it to be Your love pouring through me, Your mercy do I want to give, Your grace. Nothing in me, Lord, but You.
This 4th day of October, 2011, my God, my Beloved Lord, all I want is You. I love You so much; I desire to be in Your presence, knowing that I can be there because I have given all of myself to You; because I have put the desires of the flesh aside, because I have lost myself in You, You alone, not the world. I want to find You in everything I say or do, I want to find You.
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