Lamentations 3:22-24 (Message) )."I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all -- oh, how well I remember -- the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope. God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great is Your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left."
I wish I could forget all the trouble, all the pain, the pitiful person I had become, falling further into a pit, led there by my own lack of control, lack of self respect, lack of love for myself. Years ago, as I went from a marriage that was definitely not of God, lost in myself as to why God let me go there, not bothering to ask Him about it, just wondering why He allowed it to take place. Never acknowledging the fact that I had gone there alone, did not involve Him in the planning. Isn't this the way we all are, do things on our own, not asking for guidance from the Father, ignoring the Holy Spirit's crys to us, but we are the first to wonder why God let it happen. After all, I was brought up in church, I knew better, how could I end up in this pit; how could God have let me go there. I did not have the answers to these questions until many years later, when He brought me out of it all.
There is a place that I went, a place that would serve me to forget what I was doing, who I had become. That place you might call a prison. I basically developed a prison for myself. A four walled place that had no windows, no door, just the walls, dark walls. No mirrors, so I could not see myself, no sound, no one to talk to. If I did not have anyone to talk to, I did not have to explain my actions. There was no bright light, just a dim one that allowed me to still feel not so bad. That is really funny to me now; as though there is a difference between bad and not so. Like trying to decide that some sins are not as bad as others. Sin is sin. Bad is bad. I cannot believe that the Lord is leading me here, back to this place, letting you in here with me. I can only pray He has a reason for this, as I know He has taken me so far from this place, forgiven me completely, and He has let it go far from Him. But here I am, recalling it, and telling you about it.
I can remember a time when I thought it might all be better if I did not live. This only lasted a short time as the Lord did not like my thoughts here and quickly poured love onto me, and got me out of this pit. I don't remember how long I felt like this, but I know He did not allow me to go there very long. I can see now that the Lord allowed me to wallow in this pit for a good while, dying to self, to show me His glory. To show me that nothing was outside His will for me. No place could I go to get away from Him, from His love, from His plan. When the Lord has a plan, one He has carefully thought out and set aside for you, no one else can fill that place. It is the plan for you and He will see that you fit into His plan, if you will only give way to Him.
You see, He formulated this plan before I was born. He placed His spirit on me as a little girl, staying with me, protecting me through some things that have haunted me, not knowing all the facts, just things that come out of my mind at times. But He was there, protecting me, keeping me for His plan. So as I grew in Him, His plan began to perfect in me. But then, things happened and I was devastated, so lost and grew away from my Lord. God never leaves us, we leave Him. He will never go.
All the while I was in the pit, with my little dim light shining, God was working on me, gently, soothing me, tenderly dressing my wounds, my broken heart, hatred of what I was, a person I did not recognize. And when I was at my most desperate point, He lifted me up. He showed me His mercy, His grace and His glory. His glory shone all around the room, all over the dark walls, turning them into mirrored walls so I could see myself. I saw in myself what God has planned for me, what He wanted for me, and who I was in Him. I was no longer that person in the pit, but had become who I was in God. Who I would be from then on. Who I am now. Now in His plan.
All I can think of is His faithfulness. How faithful He has been to me, all my life. His mercies never running out, as He renews them each day. They are not left over from the day before, but are newly poured out each day. All the day before is forgiven, forgotten, and the new day, with it's new mercies, a day of definite possibilities. Everything is possible when mercy is new. When love is poured out afresh on us, all the prior days dust and pollutants washed away, just a fresh annointing to begin the day. The Lord annoints us fresh each day with His Holy Spirit. And that Spirit will stay with us as long as we welcome Him, He is so gentle, loving, and will only stay where He is welcome. But the Lord gave Him to us, as our Helper, as our Guide, as an Intercessor when we have not the right words to pray. Freely given to be our Comforter. So faithful is our God. Making sure we are covered constantly with His love, His grace and His mercy.
With God's faithfulness, His love and His plan for me, I am now walking totally in His Light. My heart is clearly and openly in love with my Lord. I thank You my Lord for never leaving me alone, for taking the time to let me go through the experiences I did to show me Your glory, Your love, Your faithfulness. You were never far from me then, and I know You are not far from me now. I feel Your presence with me constantly and I love Your presence, my God. It is my desire to stay in Your presence.
I offer You, my Lord, all my love, all my worship, all of me, this 8th day of February, 2011.
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