1 Samuel 1:5 "But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb."
Father, lead me, give me Your words. I don't think this is going to go where I had originally thought. When you led me to this scripture....what do you have for me, I am kind of scared to go here, Lord. I am going to cry, I have not gone here ever.....heal me Lord, heal me of this hurt, this hidden hurt.
A couple of weeks ago, in this little area where bushes are planted right in front of my office, there were two doves on the ground there. As I got out of my car, they did not fly off like I expected them to, they just walked around. I stood there, talking to them for a few minutes. It was so unique. There are many pigeons around my office area but this is the first time in nine months that I have ever seen doves there. I had not thought of these doves again until this morning in church, the Lord brought them to mind, and told me His Spirit was surrounding me, and these two doves represented the double portion that He was giving me. To be honest, I thought this would read about His covering me, and and His faithfulness to do so. Then He brought me to this scripture.
You know how you take hurts, disappointments, and just kind of push them down, out of mind, out of your consciousness? I guess that is what has happened here. I know that the Lord wants to clean out of me anything that is hidden, anything that is used to hurt me, anything that the enemy can bring up at a moment's notice and draw your attention away from our Lord. I thought it was all gone, that everything had been dealt with. But now, I see there is this place, this place I have not dared to go, the hurt, the deep underlying hurt, is so hard to bear. When I was 25-26 years old, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I, like so many young girls, dreamed of the day that the baby dolls I played with, would be replaced by a child; I would be a mother. My mother was wonderful and I just wanted to be, one day, like her, a good mother. I knew I would be married, have children, and have my dream life. But almost overnight, well, not quite as I had had problems for years, but within a two week period, from the doctor saying there was a problem, to the hour I woke up after surgery, those dreams were taken away. No, I did not blame God. I grew up in church, but to be honest, I did not know God well enough, not on a personal level, to blame Him.
I don't believe you can truly blame someone you don't know well enough. How can something be the fault of a God you have not taken the time to know. So many people blame God for the bad things that happen in their lives. You notice the same people never thank Him for the good things, no that is luck, or fate; but let a tragedy strike their lives, and God is to blame. But I did not blame my God. It just seem to go along with the mistakes I had made. Just desserts, I guess you could say, is how I took it. Perhaps had I not gone my way, had I followed God's way, things would have been different. No one to blame but myself.
This removal of my ever having children led to other removals in my life. That of my first marriage, another thing I did without consulting the Lord. It also removed me from church, although I had not gone often during the three years before. It was not a welcome thing in my marriage and it was easier not to go. You might think I had gotten very weak, you are right. I was pretty beaten down, and the loss of having children was like a nail in my coffin. Part of me died inside. Yes, Lord, I see that, I feel You opening that door. You don't want any part of my heart, of my spirit not to be alive in You. I am so sorry, Lord, I did not know. I did not realize part of me was still dead to Your glory. You desire that all of me be Yours, for Your use and this part was not alive in You.
Heal me, Lord, heal me with Your love. I feel Your arms around me, comforting me as I let go of those hurts; as I allow You to rekindle that part of me from death to life with Your touch. Let me sit with You here Lord for a while. Just let me rest in You.
Thank You Lord. I know this is a beginning. I know You will work in me until all this is washed away by the blood of my precious Savior, until there is nothing left in me except the joy You have poured into me. Nothing in me but all doors open, no hurts, no hidden past, no disappointments ....nothing in me but peace and joy, love and a deep abiding of Your Spirit. My heart, already feels lighter, my breathing deeper. No closed doors left to fear their exposure. No darkness, only Your Light infiltrating every place in me. So faithful, Lord, You are so faithful. So gentle, so very gentle in Your work in me. Yes, I see, Your need to cleanse every part of me so You can fill me completely.....a double portion, You will give me a double portion in You as I completely give all to You. Nothing of me, all of You. A double portion.....thank You, Lord, my God.
04-29-12
No comments:
Post a Comment