WIDOWHOOD

Psalm 4:3  "But know that the Lord has set apart for Himself him who is godly; The Lord will hear when I call to Him."

I would not have thought that the Lord would have me write about this particular part of my life, but I see that not talking about it just lets the enemy use pieces of it to hurt me with.  There is no great drama with me.  I was not ready to have my husband go, to leave me when he did, but he was so ill that as I think about it I know that the Lord was merciful.  I never raged at the Lord over it, as I knew Robert was so happy where he had gone.  Robert was so concerned for me, I believe, or he probably would have been gone earlier. I believe a lot of times husbands and wifes that truly love their mates will prolong leaving when the Lord calls as they are concerned as to what will happen to their loved ones. But, trust in the Lord, He will never take one without a plan for the other.

The years have passed so quickly, it will be three years in February.  It seems almost impossible that it has been so long. All the memories are so, like yesterday, all the details, even to what people said. Just never seems to be erased from my mind.  Some of the things, I would choose to forget if possible, some things I never want to leave my heart.  But the years have passed.  I remember looking at my wedding rings and being so grieved that first year or so.  About eighteen months passed with my hurting each time I looked at my hand when my ring finger began to itch so badly under my rings. My rings had only been off my fingers probably five or six times since we had been married. But the itching was so bad.  I moved the rings down and there was nothing on my finger to cause the itch.  This continued for a couple of weeks until I could not stand it any longer and had to take the rings off.  The next day my finger stopped itching.  I just kept asking the Lord "what is going on here?"  I put the rings back on and the itching began again, so I removed them again.  My finger felt so naked, so strange, so I would put whatever ring on I could just to have something there, but all my rings were too big for this finger and they would turn and bother me.  My sister-in-law and I went to James Avery one day to look around and see what they had.  I had never been in the store before so it was a real treat.  I found a ring, a plain silver ring with the cross on it.  After wearing it for a day or so and realizing it was too big, I returned it and got one that fit perfectly.  I waited to see if the itching would begin again, but no, it was perfect.

I believe the hardest time I had was with myself.  I would go into such depression over nothing and then I would be hard on myself thinking I should get over this. But there is no set time on grief.  Each person is different.  Some people are okay after a couple of months, some people grieve for years. I knew a lady once that had some coveralls of her husbands hanging on the outisde of closet door. She told me they had been there since he passed away. I thought perhaps he had recently passed, but it had been twenty years.  Inside the closet were all his things still.  She could not let him go.  And that is okay, for it was how she coped with the loss.  We all have to sort things out for ourselves.  We have to let the Lord lead us into His plan, show us what is right for us.  You cannot let anyone make you think that you should be over things, or that you are and should not.  Everyone has a time that will come to remove the sackcloth, the grieving period and move on.  I believe if you have children it takes on a completely different tone.  You have not only yourself to think about but your children who are grieving also.  The Lord, and your trust in Him, is so dear at this time.  Give Him your burdens and He will guide you and help you through it all.

Trusting the Lord with my life is how I manage.  I know I would be nowhere if it were not for my Lord.  The Lord has taken care of me, just as He says in His Word that He will.  His love for women who are widows is so evident, so special we are to Him.  He becomes our Husband, the One that looks after us and supplies our needs.  When I think of the women who are widowed and do not know Him, it saddens me.  My Lord is my life.

TImes of the year also makes widowhood difficult.  If your spouse dies at a holiday, automatically that holiday becomes one that is more difficult that the others.  I had a hard time for all the firsts during year one.  The first Easter, Father's Day, our birthdays, and then the real holiday season came, with Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up after they were over. But no, these days as well as the regular ones must be lived through.  Thank You, Lord.  Now I am going into the third holiday season since Robert has been gone.  I have done more this year, but still it is difficult.  He was so into all the lights and decorations and I just don't have that in me again yet.  The good part of this is that I can celebrate Christmas in my way, as my Lord's Birthday, with my thanks and gratitude to Him for His goodness, His love and mercy.  I enjoy the rest of the holiday, but am perfectly content to share my day with my Lord, His day with me.  But then again, no children. This takes on more meaning when there are children.  Each person, each widow, God's timing for each one, different.

My heart goes out to those widows I see, new widows, young widows with children, finding their way, looking to the Lord for His plan, praying and seeking Him, some hope diminished but still looking up with expectation.  The enemy does a good job at stealing joy with his memories, he uses them strongly to try and get us to question the Lord with "Whys"; but we need to be prayed up at these times. The Holy Spirit will give memories that soothe, comfort.  Those memories will not conjure up "whys", they will bring forth "thank You's" to our Lord.

I ask the Lord to bless those of you that are reading this, if you have suffered the loss of your spouse.  I ask that He pour His comforting peace over you and return His joy to your heart. The joy may be different now, but it will be His joy and it will  fill your heart with His love.

Thank You, my Lord, for Your provision, for Your divine mercy and Your wonderful love.  The peace and joy You have given me have made my life so beautiful this last year.  After a couple of years that were so hard, just when I wondered what my life could be, You began Your work in me and gave me "Joy Unspeakable".  I love You so.